DJ Voyeur's peeping at Club Omega

This is a special for my night time tune loving friends, the owls out there who know that sleep is just overrated when you want to take full advantage of every hour of the sweet lives we were given. If you're anything like me finding kickass DJs is a tough job, and if there's one in New Sarum that can do the job it's DJ Voyeur.

The exciting news is that DJ Voyeur is taking on a weekly residency at Club Omega, the swanky uptown club managed to swoop him for an average of two or three times of week. Yours truly was invited for the opening night, and let me tell you those who have said in the past that DJ Voyeur was becoming old and has been are totally fucking wrong. He's fucking awesome bros, just awesome.

It's with great pleasure I'm giving this peeping tom a solid flaming total car crash rating, the kind that you just can't your eyes or ears off of, like a rabbit in front of headlights. It's coming straight at you, you know it, and it's just too good to turn away from. Go and check it out for yourself, you won't regret it!

Waxy waste of time in the Industrial District

If ever you wondered about the new so-called art exhibit that just launched in the Industrial District, stop right now. I've wasted a precious couple of hours of my own life there tonight and I'll never get them back, I urge you to avoid making the same mistake. If you're reading this you have to agree that we only live once and it's way too valuable to spend time there.

"Abstract Minds III" Seriously, what the hell is this supposed to be..?

The art world has been expecting a new happening of the pompous asshole shaping old candles into what he loves to call art. Vacuous teenage empty heads have been swooning over the old pervert Coineagan since his last exhibit in 2012. Having a friend more knowledgeable about the arts who had invites for the opening, and of course always looking for the next crash in town, we headed to an abandoned and specially converted warehouse near the North New Sarum Fire Department House, at the limits of Downtown and the Industrial district.

My first impression was much ado 'bout nothin'. Only someone especially insecure about his own artistic abilities would put so much effort into the entrance of a converted warehouse. Granted, the melted wax figures hanging above the entry doors looked impressive, though in a desperate kind of way. As if the creepy figures were yelling: "Love me, please love me!" for Edwin Coineagan.

"Decaying Roses of Entropy" Err.. What? Probably lipposuction leftovers!

As much of his work, most of the pieces on display were either abstract to the point of nothingness, or clear art student pleasers to hire new women into his harem. Mind you, at least he's getting some tail and that my friends is something we respect here at #YOLO HQ. If only talent was directly proportional to libido, then our dear Edwin would've already made it to the big leagues and probably chosen to exhibit somewhere like the Playboy Mansion where he could blow his infamous torch on wax while a Playgirl blowed him. And damn it, I've instagrammed that into my mind now... Delete. Move on.

To be fair, this one was ok. A starry-eyed art student special

To sum it up, if you're been reading this blog before you know everything reviewed is rated by crash levels. Unfortunately Edwin's new exhibit didn't really fit into anything and so he receives the dubious honor of having an entire new category created for the occasion:

The Safety Hamster!

As you know, the bigger the crash, the more awesome the thing here at #YOLO HQ. In this case I couldn't figure out the right crash level until I realised there is no crash at all here. The safety hamster doesn't crash, he's a safe driver, kind of cute in a silly way, and definitely inconsequential. You can either give him a smile and a pat on the back, or not, and move on. Either way it hasn't made much of a difference to your every day life and the memory won't linger.

The safety hamster: vaguely cute, kind of silly, definitely inconsequential

#YOLO Crash Test Levels

Here at #YOLO we think we gotta crash in the night to make a bang, give it the adrenaline rush that I think we're all looking for. Sometimes there are just too many options, or no options some other times!

So how is a bro to know what to get up to these nights? That's what #YOLO is for. We only live once and it can't be wasted! Have fun bros, shout out into the night, and go to the best crashes in town!

#YOLO employs a sophisticated system (hahaha), entirely researched and put together by yours truly.

We start with the Train Wreck: As per usual, the train wreck is a pretty clear disaster. Completely gone off track, it's the bad kind of crash. It pretty much sucks, sometimes even painful to attend or contemplate, depending on what it is.

Then we have the Kitty Crash; a hommage to Lolcat lovers around the world, kitty crashes are cute but can also be kind of lame. It's not exactly in, not exactly out, difficult to categorise but it's kind of worth clicking on for a quick chuckle, and then move on.

Next up, The Motorcycle Crash, or the Two Wheeler Crash; these are decent kinds of crashes - and have a little bit of leeway in categories, less interesting ones might be bicycle crashes, while more worthwhile can be full fledged Moto GP crashes. In other words, if I bro is at a loss for something interesting to do one night, he could do worse than a two wheeler crash.

Of course, then we get to the solids of the solids, always dependable: The Car Crash. Car crashes are good shit, they're the kind of crashes you start moving your schedule around for. If you #YOLO, then these crashes are for you. Some are better than others, for sure - but generally you can count on a good time with a car crash level.

Bros' we know there are car crashes year round but you know what the safest mean of travel is? Yes sir, defying gravity itself and flying in the air. That's why it's so glorious when a Plane Crashes! Planes crash only like once or twice a year and that's how often an awesome, not to be missed under any circumstances, event takes place. Watch out for them is all I'm saying.

Last but not least, those are rare folks: The Space Crash. Let's be honest bro's, I love New Sarum but it's not New York - space crash doesn't happen every year but when it does you can be sure I'll be watching. That's all I'm saying. Peace Out. *Drops the mic*